Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
two words: eviction party
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
