If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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