So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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