Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
