My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
