I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
