I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
