Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up under a house in Key West
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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