i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
