i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am naked and annoyed.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
