if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
