I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Houston, we have a blender
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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