my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
