So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
