my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.