Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
