he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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