Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
