You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
