I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
