i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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