Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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