The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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