I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
