Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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