Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
