i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want nice things and good sex
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
