I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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