If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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