I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
