Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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