when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
