people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.