If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
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I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.