Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Shame is for Republicans.
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