I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize