Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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