I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
