I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This baby is an asshole
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
