I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
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If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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