dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
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please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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