Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
