I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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