Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
