my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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