got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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