hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
