i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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