your parents love me but you hate me
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Randomize