The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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