when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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