So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
