Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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