Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
