you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
