dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
