i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
