Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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