if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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