I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Screwed.edu
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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