I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
