Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
