The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
