You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
