I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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