It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
