I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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